The Uncomfortable Truth About Will Adam

London is different.

After getting off the plane, I need to kill a few hours before any of my ex-housemates get home to let me in (they’ve very kindly offered to put me up for free), so I decide to visit my favourite location in the city – the Southbank.

For anyone unfamiliar with London, the south bank of the river Thames, between the London Eye and the Tate Modern, is always alive with people socialising, eating, laughing and drinking. In summer it’s the most wonderful place to be. Except, as I sit there and have coffee now, I’m not feeling any of that wonder. It may be because of the 38 hours that I haven’t slept, it may be because it just feels weird to be back here or it may be a combination of both. But it’s not. This feels deeper, like something has changed since I was last here. Nothing around me looks any different except that the Houses of Parliament are wrapped up in scaffolding. The deeper I search for the cause of my malaise and disconnection, the more apparent it becomes that I’m the one who’s changed. I hadn’t realised it, but this whole time in India has been slowly transforming me.

After the Hillsong tour of India in 2015, as I raved and chuntered to my mother through impassioned tears about every experience and sight, she asked, “do you remember when you were little, you were obsessed with India – the culture, the women in the saris with their bindis, the colours…” I’d forgotten how much I loved India when I was young. It seems that India has been on my mind for a long, long time.

So I committed myself to helping the organisations I had been introduced to: Vision Rescue; New India Church of God; and of course, Bethesda Life Centre. In the flow of inspiration, I wrote and produced some songs and created an album to raise money for Vision Rescue. It took me a year and cost me my social life, but I was proud of the songs and their quality and was hugely blessed to have some of the worlds most wonderful people lending their singing talents and their hearts to it. Roughly 6 people downloaded the album, which was crushing, but the little money that the project made went straight to Vision Rescue.

As I carried on in my cosy life, earning good money, living in a nice enough place, with food and a roof over my head, there was a nagging, deafening silence. I have to do more. If I can’t raise enough money to justify my time and I can’t help from afar, then I can help by doing what I know I can do – teach and write… in India.

I made the decision in January 2017 to learn Hindi, cook Indian food, sort out living arrangements and a visa and prepare my heart for leaving the UK. But where would I go in India? I’d met Beena and Martin Philip when we’d gone to Goa to perform at a fundraiser for BLC. They were the founders of the childrens home as well as the Sunflower Project (helping HIV+ women), so I messaged Beena on Facebook, trying not to sound like a flake. I reintroduced myself, explained how I had been feeling for the past 2 years, and asked if I could be of any help to her and Martin. Beena replied by saying that they had been praying for a musician to come and help out with teaching the children and leading the church’s worship team as they were is desperate need of someone. This confirmation (along with a similar miracle involving accommodation out in Goa) was like a bass note in my soul – a deep resonance that spoke into every cell in my being, filling it with joy. I was off to India.

The reason I’m writing this blog entry now is because of what I mentioned at the beginning – I have changed. Someone I met recently asked if my India trip was for self-discovery – understandable – a lot of people do go to India and successfully do that. But from the start, this has never been about me. My life has broken me – the death of my father, countless failures academically and professionally, and a one-sided romantic life. I’ve battled with severe clinical depression, a teenage suicide attempt, the rejection of a church (not Hillsong – my beautiful family) and crippling silent loneliness. It’s been a deep and thorough baptism – the death of my own self can only mean that a new life can come up from the water (in the Bible, water is symbolic of death, hence the practice of water baptism).

Popularity, money and looks don’t matter. A marriage, kids and a house of my own are all wonderful things and are right for a lot of people, but not all people. Paul and Jesus confirm this in their teachings, that just because something works for one doesn’t mean that it works for another. Enjoy your life and celebrate the diversity of what someone else brings to life.

I’m going back to India at the end of August. It’s where I’m meant to be for the time being. I’ll be continuing to help underprivileged children in Goa with their school studies and teaching them music. The education gives them career options and a step up into the world. How can I put a time limit on that? How can I say “oh that’s enough now, I miss my friends”? What right do I have to make this about me? I’m doing this not because it’s comfortable, not because it suits me and not because life is easy in India*, I’m doing this because it’s right, because it’s kind and crucially, because I’m able to.

Some people have responded to the news of my decision to stay in India with upset and disappointment. I apologise to those people that they feel that way. I have nothing but love without small-print for them and will miss them deeply when I go back to India. It’s been the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I’m going into the unknown with nothing, knowing only that miracles have paved my journey so far. There’s no visible path in front of me but I know by another kind of sight that it’s all taken care of.

I thank every single one of my donors and friends for supporting me. I thank everyone who has prayed for me – you’re sending love and I’m encouraged and strengthened. I pray that you would also be encouraged and strengthened in everything you do.

Will

If you want to support me financially, please head over to the ‘Support‘ page to find out the various ways to help. Other than that I welcome your encouragements, prayers, texts, comments, hugs and pictures of you being amazing in this world.

*I’m subject to tens of mosquito bites a week, stifling humidity, monsoon rains and between 3-10 power cuts a day.